Taking Care
“Love is forgiving, accepting, moving on, embracing, and all encompassing. And if you’re not doing that for yourself, you cannot do that with anyone else.”
We’re so good at “taking care” of the family…the children, an ill spouse, elderly parents, the house, the yard, pets, the job, co-workers, or friends. Most of the time, it feels good to be taking care of things and others, but it can be draining and often exhausting. Yet we continue to take care out of love, and if we’re honest, sometimes, out of obligation or duty because there’s no one else.
For many of us, putting everyone else’s needs ahead of our own was learned early and practiced often. Our mothers taught it, as did our religion: Consider others better than yourselves (Philippians 3:2). Many are more familiar with the verse from Matthew, love your neighbor as yourself, which, in my younger years, I interpreted as a directive to put others’ needs before my own. How is it I missed the totality of that message? I gave no weight to the “as yourself” ending, blindly following the first half of the message and ignoring the second half. Steve Maraboli is right when he says if we are not forgiving, accepting, embracing of ourselves, and moving on, we can’t offer that to another.
We’ve all heard the pre-flight directions given by the flight attendant regarding the use of oxygen masks in the event of an emergency: Put your oxygen mask on before helping a child with their mask. Oh, that goes against my upbringing because what I learned was always about helping others. How often did my mom make sure her children had new Easter clothes and shoes, even if there wasn’t enough money for new things for her? How often did my dad take his children fishing – constantly untangling the jumbled line in the reel or the hook embedded in the shoreline moss – when he likely wished he could enjoy an uninterrupted afternoon of adult time with the fish? There are many examples of them putting others’ needs above one’s own. And there’s nothing wrong with that…if it is balanced with taking care of oneself.
Codependent caretaking is a concept I’ve become familiar with in recent years and refers to taking care of someone else to one’s detriment. Actual caregiving, in contrast, involves self-care and is a balance between taking care of (or caring for) someone else and taking care of oneself.
I believe it’s time to retrain ourselves that it’s okay to think of our needs, which is practicing self-care and not selfish indulgence. Self-care is accepting who we are, knowing we’re good enough, and doing our best. Self-care is forgiving ourselves when we do something foolish, when we’re not perfect, or when we’re not our best selves. We forgive others in those circumstances but may find it hard to forgive ourselves.
Self-care is any activity for our physical, emotional, and psychological well-being. It’s taking a walk, eating nutritious food, establishing healthy boundaries, participating in daily mindfulness, meditation, or prayer, or engaging in a creative activity.
Self-care is an integral part of our mental and physical health. Angelica Bottaro has an excellent article on the Very Well Health website, What is Self-Care and Why is it Important? where she discusses what people think self-care is, what it is, barriers to self-care, the short-term and long-term benefits of self-care, and how to build a self-care plan.
Please take care.