There are times in life when it seems nothing will ever be okay again—when things seem unfixable. I’ve even heard a few people say, “When I’m unfixable.” Believing a situation or a person is “unfixable” is a direct route to depression and despair. So, how is it possible to navigate through such rough waters and not become discombobulated, or worse?

I was in the aisle seat, returning home. Every seat on the plane was occupied. The flight attendant cautioned the gentleman sitting next to me in the middle seat to move his bag an inch further under the seat in front of him.

You know how you had life planned out...what you wanted and expected? Then, despite all the planning and dreaming, it didn’t turn out exactly how you thought it would. Looking back over my life, expectations, and hopes for the future, many things are different than I thought. And almost without exception, even when I couldn't see the road ahead, much turned out better than I could have envisioned.

Our past adventures and challenges don’t define us. Still, they shape who we are today, allowing us to be better or bitter, generous or greedy, kind or cruel, compassionate or confronting, open-hearted or walled-off. We get to choose the definition by which we will be known and how we relate to one another.

There are times when irreconcilable circumstances happen – things that can’t be undone, like a cancer diagnosis, a tragic accident, or words that were said but can’t be unsaid. Each leaves a wound. Amid such difficulty, it can feel like a marathon that never ends.

The Holidays in November and December provide a myriad of opportunities for both joy and sadness. I used to believe The Holidays were a time of joy for everyone, filled with happy family gatherings, with bounties of food and gifts for all. And sometimes that is reality, but frequently it isn’t.

The word mantra comes from Sanskrit meaning “sacred message.” It’s a short, positive statement or affirmation to say to yourself each day to remind yourself of your strength and resilience. Mantras are personal. Your mantra may not be meaningful to me, and my mantra may be useless to you, so finding a mantra or mantras that resonate with you is the key to their effectiveness and power. Plus, it’s important to have a variety of mantras for different situations, like coping with anxiety, depression, fear, or self-esteem issues.

She told me the story of her grandson’s death. He was five and the favorite of her four grandchildren. It was a tragic accident – too horrifying to recount the details here. She shared those details in my Beginning Again grief group a year after his death. Even though it was many years ago, I’ll never forget her story. And I will never forget her response to his death.

I remember being excited about getting our first car GPS system. I was both amused and frustrated when, upon taking a different route than the one outlined in the system, the voice would say, “Recalculating! Recalculating!” Amused… that it responded that way; frustrated… when it kept repeating the phrase over and over.

Looking back, I suspect I lived a good portion of my life in chronic fear… fear of not being good enough, fear of failure, fear of disappointing someone, fear of others’ opinions, fear of financial dependency or ruin, fear of being homeless, fear of deep water, and those are the fears that immediately come to mind.

He was walking down the street, oblivious to his surroundings, absorbed in the video on his iPhone. There was no awareness of the uncovered manhole ahead, until he found himself tumbling into semi-darkness, 10-feet underground. Stunned, but coming to his senses, he yelled for someone to come to his aid, to help him out of the deep hole. He heard a voice above him – the voice of a priest. Thank God, he thought. The priest offered a prayer on his behalf, and walked on.

Water has always frightened me, probably because I grew up in land-locked Oklahoma with few opportunities to become comfortable swimming or water skiing. In the water, I felt out of my element and scared. It was okay to be “around water” …playing in the lawn sprinkler or splashing in a shallow pool, but being “in the water,” in the deep end of a pool or in a lake or ocean, well, that was a panic attack waiting to happen.