Remember
“We do not learn from experience…we learn from reflecting on experience.”
Image Credit @jyrki
There are times when irreconcilable circumstances happen – things that can’t be undone, like a cancer diagnosis, a tragic accident, or words that were said but can’t be unsaid. Each leaves a wound. Amid such difficulty, it can feel like a marathon that never ends.
Author Vincent H. O’Neil said, “In good times and bad, it’s wisdom to know that neither lasts forever.” It is good to know that difficult times are finite. Wounds eventually become scars, reminding us that we had the strength to carry on despite physical limitations, depression, or feeling like a failure and never being good enough. Circumstances can’t be changed, but remembering the good times and the tough times and examining our relationship with each may be the only thing within our control.
Remember the good times filled with laughter, enjoyment, and purpose? Remember past relationships that were mutual and enriching? Remember when you could run five miles? Remember when you could stay out ‘til the early morning hours because you were having so much fun? It’s like when you were 12, and you thought the long, hot summer days would never end. But they did. It’s necessary to remember the good times. They can’t be replicated. But they can fill our hearts with joy and remind us to cherish each good day and hour and never take the present moment for granted.
Remember the tough times filled with hurt, disappointment, pain (physical or emotional), and grief? Those weren’t easy times. Remember when a cherished relationship was fractured beyond repair, when your loved one died, or when you felt like you’d lost everything – health, security, your sense of yourself?
I have an exercise in my eight-week grief workshop, Beginning Again; Tools for the Journey Through Grief, asking participants to identify and list the losses they have experienced – things like the loss of a job, moving, children leaving home, divorce, death of a pet, loss of a role, and of course, the death of a loved one. One man in the group said, “I don’t know why you want us to dredge all of that up.” I told him, “Remembering the losses, feeling the pain, and finding meaning in each loss allows us to live with the loss and move forward eventually.” It’s not an easy task.
Remembering the good times carries the risk of intense longing to relive those happy days and being dissatisfied in the present moment because they are no longer possible. Remembering the tough times carries the risk of drowning in grief, making it impossible to function here and now. So, what is the point of remembering if there are such risks? Because the rewards outweigh the risks.
Remembering allows the brain to pause and catch up. Reflecting on experiences – both positive and negative – means thinking deeply, quietly, and calmly about them. Both reflecting and remembering provide learning opportunities. I learned from remembering the good times never to take good times or loved ones for granted because, as Quaker missionary Stephen Grellet said, “I shall not pass this way again.” I learned from remembering the tough times that while they are indescribably painful in the moment, they will pass. Remembering the good times and the tough times teaches me what I need to learn if I am willing to be reflective.
At the end of the day, what do you remember? And what will you do with your memory?