We Are Not the Same
“Life becomes lighter when you stop carrying the weight of expectations. Accept others as they are—not as you wish them to be—and you’ll find more peace, both within and around you.”
Image Credit Rod Long
Have you ever been frustrated when someone doesn’t respond the way you would or the way you think they should? I’m often surprised when someone’s response is not what I expected, what I would have done, or how I would have done it. I’ve had to work at not expecting everyone to think or act as I do. Because when I do that, I set myself up to become critical and judgmental, and it can create distance between us. I’ve had to learn that we are not the same.
Families facing medical challenges are often confronted with this issue. Think about your family. Who in your family wants all the medical information they can find about a diagnosis or upcoming test? Who searches the internet and feels that the more they know, the better off everyone will be? Who in your family wants very little or no information? For them, having information makes them anxious. I have yet to meet a family coping with a medical situation where this wasn’t the case. Some need information; some avoid it. Why is this seemingly small difference significant? If I expect you to manage medical situations and information as I do, it’s possible that’s not what you need. And we both become frustrated because we are not the same.
This is true in partner relationships. A spouse may be eager for her partner to get home from work so they can talk about the day's events and maybe plans for the weekend. Her partner wants to connect after he gets home—but not immediately. He needs a small amount of alone time because he needs to lay aside his trauma-focused work before he can connect. When one understands the need, it’s easier to relate because we are not the same.
Couples may experience frustration around something as simple as the amount of sleep they need. If one needs six hours of sleep and the other needs nine, is it realistic to expect them to go to bed at the same time? What if one is a night owl and one is a morning lark? More often than not, our bodies are wired differently, and we need different amounts of sleep because we are not the same.
Whether our relationships include a partner, family, or friends, the best thing we can do is not assume, but ask questions, like “What do you need?” “What works better for you?” We can offer information, like “This is what I need.” “Doing it this way works better for me.” We can become aware of the tendency to expect everyone to think and act as we do. We can be okay with them being who they are if we keep communicating. We can be okay with being who we are if we keep communicating. We are not the same, and it’s okay. It’s more than okay. Because we learn and grow through diversity, not attempting to make everyone in our own image.
“Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken”
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