Black and White
“Things are not quite so simple always as black and white.”
Image credit @grimurgrimsson
Life might be easier and simpler if everything was categorized into, well…categories, like always/never, either/or, yes/no, up/down, good/bad, all/none, perfect/imperfect, success/failure, black/white. However, life cannot be defined so simply or precisely.
When seeing life through a black-and-white lens, there is no uncertainty or vagueness – no shades of gray or a myriad of colors. Black and white colors are specific – one or the other– black or white. While that may be reassuring for some, it is also dull, limiting, constrictive, and does not accurately reflect life experiences.
It reminds me of black-and-white thinking. There’s been a lot written about it as a cognitive distortion. All you need to do is google the concept and find many articles. While some black-and-white thinking is normal, constant black-and-white thinking – or thinking in extremes – can affect our health, relationships, and mood and prevent us from seeing life as it is: complex, uncertain, and constantly changing.
Let’s take, for example, the concept of “always/never.” That is easy to fall prey to: “You never listen to me.” “You always leave dirty dishes in the sink.” “Everyone always gets sick with chemo.” The problem with “always/never” statements is that they are rarely accurate. An excellent way to overcome this cognitive distortion is to eliminate “always” and “never” from your vocabulary. “Sometimes” would be a good substitute.
How about “success/failure” and “perfect/imperfect?” I used to think being imperfect was a failure because perfection implied success. Making a mistake or being criticized was devastating for me back in the day. I remember my husband, Jay, responding to someone criticizing him when we worked together at the cancer center. His response: “I’ve never done anything I can’t improve on.” I’d never heard anyone respond like that before. He didn’t get defensive; he wasn’t devastated. He was honest. A way to overcome this cognitive distortion is not to strive to be perfect because that’s not the definition of success. Everyone makes mistakes; nobody’s perfect, and one doesn’t need to be. Learning from mistakes is what’s essential, not avoiding them.
Many people have trouble with “either/or” and need to categorize or label emotions and behaviors one way or another. This type of all-or-nothing thinking distorts reality and often leads to feelings of depression and anxiety. Are you determined or ambivalent? Happy or sad? Sick or well? For example, you may not feel sick, but now you have a cancer diagnosis. You may be in the process of getting well but are not there yet. An excellent way to overcome this cognitive distortion is to be where you are without labeling it.
We are not destined to live in the extremes of black-and-white thinking. We can see more than black and white; we can see shades of gray and a myriad of colors. The in-between places are some of the hardest because they are complex, yet they provide the most significant opportunities for change and growth in the midst of life-changing events.