Being Good Enough
“Atelophobia: The fear of imperfection; the fear of never being good enough.”
Several patients have told me they worked hard to be” good patients.” When asked what they meant by that, their responses ranged from, “I’m going to do everything the doctor says,” to “I won’t let them know I’m really frustrated by the long wait times to be seen or that the doctor is always in such a hurry.” Each of them felt they weren’t “a good patient” if they appeared frustrated or irritated, questioned the medical staff, or asked for a more convenient appointment time because they didn’t want to be labeled by the staff as “difficult.” It was important to each of them to be seen as a good patient, maybe even “the perfect patient.”
Wanting to be perfect or wanting to feel good enough is a condition many people experience. Some children struggle with not being good enough because a “B” in math doesn’t cut it, according to their parents, who expect a perfect 4.0. Some adults struggle with trying to figure out how to be good enough at work or how to be good enough as a parent or a partner. And there are never enough hours in the day or enough physical energy to be the perfect colleague or partner, or parent. The struggle is real – not only figuring out how to be enough, but also good enough – deserving of another’s respect, love, or time.
Many people seek perfection and equate being good enough with being perfect (meaning never messing up or making a mistake). I lived in that camp for many years, which was exhausting and unattainable. But I learned I don’t need to fear imperfection. Honestly, I don’t like being imperfect, but I don’t need to fear it. And I now know better than to seek perfection because it is unachievable. My focus is on doing the best I can.
From a religious perspective, Rabbi Harold Kushner, in his book, How Good Do We Have to Be? shares his view that God doesn’t expect perfection or that people will never make a mistake because humans make mistakes, and no one gets it right every time.
I would suggest that patients don’t need to be “good patients.” Going to medical appointments, getting through scans, undergoing surgery, receiving treatment, or hearing lab or pathology results is stressful. A “good or perfect patient” would never get upset or have intense feelings. But patients – and everyone else, for that matter – are just human beings who get scared, feel depressed or overwhelmed, or express impatience. Those are all normal feelings. It’s okay to ask for a different appointment time or a second opinion. It’s okay to respectfully express frustration or request more time or information from the doctor. It’s okay to ask for what you need. That does not make someone a lousy patient.
Brené Brown, a well-known speaker, research professor, and author of numerous books, including The Gifts of Imperfection, says, “No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough.” Wouldn’t it be wonderful to feel in our bones that we are enough? That there’s no need to seek perfection? That there’s no need to fear imperfection? That whether we’re a patient, a parent, a child, a relative, a friend, a colleague, or a partner, we are good enough?
In case no one has told you lately: You are enough; you are good enough.