Get Over It?
“I know now that we never get over great losses; we absorb them, and they carve us into different, often kinder creatures.”
Image Credit @jeremybishop
She was diagnosed with cancer, underwent months of treatment, and was finally in remission. Her hair had grown back; she was going to the gym; she was stronger.
His wife died six months ago. He was back at work the week after her death. He was paying the bills, doing the laundry, and cooking, which didn’t require much effort because he was rarely hungry.
Because she was going to the gym, appeared healthy, and was no longer in the middle of cancer treatment, everyone expected that she was doing well. Because he was showing up for work and managing daily household chores, everyone expected him to be 100 percent “back to normal.” And if there were hints of depression, sadness, lethargy, or fear, each might hear the comment from a friend or family member, “It’s time for you to get over it.”
Whether it’s a cancer diagnosis, the death of a loved one, relocation, the ending of a relationship, or an unwanted job change, feelings of loss are inevitable. There are challenging and concrete losses: the loss of the physical presence of a loved one; the loss of a body part (hair loss, breast or ovary removal, an amputated toe); the loss of a tangible connection with a familiar place or situation.
What’s equally hard to navigate are the secondary losses: loss of identity, loss of a role, loss of routine, loss of security, loss of pleasure, loss of autonomy, loss of trust, and loss of faith. There are so many losses that need to be acknowledged, felt, and grieved. It’s not a quick process – it takes time.
Whatever the loss or adversity, the time it takes to get through it will vary. Past hurts, other losses or traumas, and one’s circumstances will influence the process. The road through it is never straight, and sometimes there are often detours or setbacks with old fears resurfacing.
The Cambridge Dictionary asserts that to “get over something” means returning to your usual state of health or happiness. Generally, “getting over something” like a cancer diagnosis, the death of a loved one, or an ending relationship leaves one with a large void, a sense of vulnerability, and an improbable return to being exactly the person you were before.
Adversities change us, shaping who we are and who we become. Any significant loss is typically life-changing, resulting in one becoming kind or cruel, better or bitter.
“Get over it?” It’s easy for someone to say when they haven’t had a similar experience. Difficult life experiences are not something to “get over.” They are about figuring out how to live through them and live life on the other side of them.